~Thought For The Day~ Fight On ©

     I am writing this today because I feel that I can.

Tomorrow it will be two years since I lost Mama. Two years, it seems so long ago, but also at times it feels like it was just yesterday.

I was thinking this morning about how far I have come.

I began thinking of Mom and at about 11 am today, was the last time I heard her speak.

Her final words to me, “I love you Tesi, we got this, Eye of the Tiger Baby.”

And then my world came crashing down.

I never dreamed I would be sitting here now able to talk about it, able to even function and even move on.

I have surprised myself. It is amazing how when you think you can’t, you really can. I remember being a fog for a long time, trying to numb myself, avoiding the topic and scared that if I cried that I would break.

Every single time that I felt like I couldn’t, I could hear here, pushing me, like only she could, telling me to fight; I have. Now here I am, and what have I become? I have become stronger, tougher skinned, and determined to live each day to the fullest. My main goal in life is to now live out my dreams, the dreams she never got to reach because her time here ended.

I want to take dance again, I want to write page after page, I want to start a charity for the poor. Oh let me rephrase, because I can hear her as I type, “don’t say I want, say, I will”.

All of these things I will do, no ifs ands or buts. It will be done.

Some of you may have been blessed enough to know my Mama, and if so I don’t have to tell you how she was, she was stubborn, feisty and determined, but there was such a gentle caring side that I saw so often. For those of you who didn’t know her, and know her only through my words, she was something else. A beauty, inside and out; She stood up for what she believed, she went against the grain and if anyone was in need of help, she was there.

Tomorrow is going to be tough, I am not why it is hitting me this year so hard, I guess the numb has worn off, but I will carry on, I will hold my head high, and keep reaching until I make all my dreams come true.

I want to tell you today, there is nothing you can’t do, nothing annoys me more than a quitter, a gloomy Gus or a pessimist.

 Get up off your rear end and make it happen. That is all that it takes. DO IT.

The one lesson I have learned from this climb, life can change dramatically in a matter of minutes. Your whole world can be cruising along and then BAM out of the blue something happens.

So my advice, from hard living experience, made into a list of course, is this.

Live now.

Love so much.

Speak your mind.

Don’t listen to others opinions that will drag you down.

If you want something, go get it.

Take time to tell those you love, that you do, and if can, show it some unique way.

Hug people.

Touch the hand of someone hurting.

Be satisfied with who you see in the mirror, don’t ever think you aren't enough, you are gorgeous, no matter the size tag in the back.

When people hate on you, smile at them, and keep going!

Live your life, your own way.

Be honest.

Live right.

Laugh a lot.

Smile, even when you are alone.

AND most important, don’t let one day pass without telling those that you love, how much they mean.

Hey Mama, I am getting the hang of this, you said I could and I am sorry I didn’t believe you. I still miss you so much, but I am still coming out of my corner swinging. EYE OF THE TIGER BABY!

 I just smiled and laughed, I can just hear Mom singing our Randleman High School fight song, “See them Tigers passing by, with their heads held high, Fight On, Fight On!” Do it! Fight on!

Here are my thoughts.

 ©

Teresa

~Thought For The Day~ Trust, More Than Words ©

      Standing atop the high dive, I felt like all the breath inside my body was gone, I felt like everyone below could hear my heart pounding, I carefully curled my toes on the very edge of the board.

My face burning from the sun and also from the thought of the whole wide world watching me high above them; I peered down, the water was the most beautiful shade of blue, the warm but yet refreshing, summer breeze coming along at just the right time, reminding me to exhale.

I searched the blue for that familiar face, where was he? He promised! As our eyes met, felt the raging emotions calm and I thought back to our previous conversation.  And to this day, I remember it pretty word for word.

“Teece, you can do it, I promise I will be right there to catch you when you jump, just go, and then you won’t be afraid anymore.”

“But Brian, what if you aren’t there, what if, you forget, or you see one of your friends and I jump by myself?”

“TC, I will be there, I promise, trust me.”

So after feeling like I would puke I carefully and very deliberately climbed every rung of the high dive ladder.

My mind playing every scene that could happen, I had only been alive for about 12 years so I played out much like a horror movie, but as my fears rose, I could hear a whisper in my ear, “I promise, trust me”.

So here we stand on top of the world, well it was to me, the sounds became muted, the world didn't exist anymore, and I only focused on Brian’s face. He smiled and waved me down.

I uncurled my toes, I sprung up and then as I quickly made my way down I thought of nothing other than Brian’s promise, my mind racing, he just had to be there waiting for me.

I remember as I plunged down and the cold water met my body that I was sinking from the impact of the dive, I looked around and before I could even start to paddle to the surface, I felt him there, his arm in mine, his face next to me smiling, and then he gave me that big ol’ thumbs up.

I did it! I made it!

We got back up to the edge of pool and he was still holding my arm, not wanting to embarrass him in front of any potential girlfriends, I reached down and squeezed his hand, he winked and I knew. He was proud of me and we would discuss this further when we went home.

He kept his promise; he was there when he said he would be.

That further strengthened our bond of trust.

At such a pivotal moment in my life, I took a leap of faith, and he kept his word and was right there, with me trusting his word.

Now let’s replay this if he had not been waiting in the deep end for me.

I would have surely risen to the water’s surface, but his promise would have been broken, I would have forgiven him of course, over time but the element of trust that I took a leap for would have been broken.

It would have taken time to regain it and it would have caused a tremendous strain on our relationship.

I am glad he was there.

Trust is a tricky devil, I, myself trust very easily but once it is beaten, broken or bruised, I tend to shy away because I am guarding myself and if the person who broke it makes no attempts to fix it, then I am safe from harm. If that person works at meeting the promises and works to restore trust once again and I see progress then my wall slowly begins to crumble and the healing can begin.

I ran across this quote and I could not find the author but how very true it is.

“You should trust people by their actions, not their words. Because a person might have a heart of gold, but then again so does an egg.”

Trust is the foundation for every single relationship in this world, be it with a parent, a friend, a love, whatever, if you don’t have trust, what do you have? If trust becomes broken, it takes much time to repair it and reinstate the feeling of knowing you can count on that person’s word once again.

Many times in my life I have faced trust issues, and at one point I became very jaded and trusted few, as I began to open my heart again and let people in I also saw things in a new light.

If someone wants you in their life, to remain there, they must maintain trust, and if by chance it is damaged, it is up to the person that brought about the broken bond of trust to  put on their tool belt and get busy doing the needed repairs.

A common argument I have heard in my life is this, “I said I was sorry, I won’t do it again.”

Sadly that often times isn't true, and words alone can’t regain trust, it is an action, one that is hard but if you want that person in your life, it is worth all the work to get it back.

My bond of trust with Brian is very much still intact, we have had normal

 friend quarrels and problems, but he has kept his word to me over the years, and that single fact alone has kept us close for 30 plus years.

In my mind’s eye, I see trust as a bridge, with two people standing on each end, you walk towards each other, knowing you will meet in the middle, if one of you doesn't come forward and never tries to advance, you are back at the start of the bridge trying to regain entry, and shouting across a bridge making promise won’t make the other person believe, they have to see take steps towards them. The step may be slow but they see advancement and with each step, their faith and trust starts to form once more.

My friends, trust is a precious gift, and if you find that you wrecked it or injured it, treat it as a wound, apply the necessary medication, lightly bandage it and care for it with love and attention until you can remove the bandage and see that the healing has taken place. 

Never neglect it, deny it or take advantage of it, because infection will set in, and it much harder to nurse back to health at that stage.

I am not preaching to never trust, I stated before I trust so easily, I am saying if you have tampered with it, do all that you can to restore its strong powers and you will see that faith will be rebuilt, possibly stronger than before.

Here are my thoughts.

©

Teresa  

~Thought For The Day~ It Will Not Change~ ©

I wrote this piece one year ago, and I felt the need to share it again. 

 It was this week, one year ago that my Mother and I had a conversation. It wasn't like the many conversations of our past. This one was different. This one held precious content that I will always cherish and one that will guide me through the rest of my days. We had not talked about her illness, not being something she couldn't overcome, we had never entertained that notion. Until this point we still held on to our faith and just knew one day we would look back as we had so many times and count the blessing of making it through another portion of living hard.

I am unsure how we came to speak of this but I can still see her face. Her expression was very strong, very sincere, and she looked at me with those blue eyes and behind them I could detect that she no longer shared the same outcome as before.

I said “Mama, what will I do? Mama, I can't make it without you, Mama, I need you, Mama please be ok.” I said it just like that. She took my hand in hers, and she said “Oh baby, no matter what happens you will go on, but if life were to take you first, I doubt I could.” I knew I was her sparkle, her reason for always trying and never giving up, but she was mine.

She look long and hard at my face, the sun glistening across my hair from her bedroom window. She tried so hard to raise from her bed. She touched my features, almost like she was memorizing them She reminded me of how she said she touched me when I was born and the first time I was laid in her arms. She looked at that moment like the 20 something year old woman who had just had her daughter. Seeing no flaws, tracing every feature, in awe. I looked at her in the very same way. I was in awe as well. Through all her sickness, pain and intense struggle, she maintained her beauty, not just on the outside but her inner beauty was so present.

We stared at each other for quite a while. Smiling, tears flowing, no words. Finally she said “Tesi, this is a win- win situation for me.” Quickly I said “Mama if you leave me I see no win here.” She replied, “Oh baby, if I go, I am at peace, I will be with my Mama and Daddy and I will be going home, if I stay, I will be with you and the boys.”

Oh Mama, I felt so greedy, I wanted her to have the peace she tried so hard to find for so many years, but I also wanted her here with me.

“I will always be with you, that will never change. Even if I pass, that will never change.”

Today that phrase has played in my mind 100 times. I knew it sounded familiar, so I dug deep, it had another meaning, I just needed to find it.

I sat here this evening covered in chills as I opened the works of our favorite poet Sara Teasdale. If I couldn't find my answers in a Conway song, I knew that my solution could be found in poetic form

The first poem on the page jumped out at me, and this time instead of crying tears of sadness, I cried .because I felt her so near me. She always did make me work for the answers and I guess this time was no different. Here lies my answer. 

“It Will Not Change”

It will not change now

 After so many years;

 Life has not broken it

With parting or tears;

Death will not alter it,

It will live on,

In all my songs for you,

When I am gone.

Sarah Teasdale

I am crying now, because this has been a tremendous journey, one that isn't over yet, but today I feel, I feel my Mama, I feel her strength, her will to never give up and the one thing she begged of me, to never change who I am. I needed a reminder.

I have changed in so many ways, ones I think she would be fine with and changes that have bettered me. I have sadly lost friends along this road, but I suppose if they were friends, they would have never exited when I hit my lowest point in life.

I have not changed my way of speaking my mind, my ability to be a lady, and I am still marching to the beat of a different drummer. It is who I am.

I have learned that you can't please everyone, it is impossible, but it is totally possible to please yourself, so I am doing that,living my life, the best way I know how and if people don't like it, well, “It Will Not Change”.

I am me, if you love me, good, I will love you back with all that I am, if you hate me, well you are only hurting yourself.

A year ago this week, Mama taught me once again to be proud of who I am, hold my head high, even when you feel like running away, stand strong.

Here are my thoughts.

 ©

Teresa 

~Thought For The Day~ Break The Chains ©

     I am unsure where I am going with this Thought For The Day, I have so many things rumbling around in my mind and all of them are begging to be put in written form, so with that said I will close my eyes briefly, inhale and let my heart guide me on what to write about.

Ahhh my eyes are open and I think I see some direction now.

All my life I have heard people use this one certain phrase, “That’s just how I am”.

I am sorry; I see that as settling or as a cop out. I know we get into our own routines for certain things but if those rituals are unhealthy you can’t wrap a blanket around it and hide inside.

None of us want to openly admit a flaw, or have it pointed out, it hurts, the truth of It stings like a nasty hornet when it gets a hold of you and injects its nasty toxins.

When you don’t want to change a behavior or face it, it is so much easier to say “That’s how I am” and then walk away and continue on because you just gave an excuse, not a solution.  

Change is very hard, change is uncharted territory, and when we are faced with a new way, or a change of handling things, it is very scary and unfamiliar, but isn’t it worth trying?

One of my dearest friends has fought a drug addiction for most of his adult life. It has brought to him much shame, the loss of beloved people and a sense of loneliness that has made him feel like a caged animal with no hope of escape.

We have talked so many times about how to fix it, his regrets and his sorrow, and how down on himself it made him feel. I always listened and never felt like I was much help. As his problem kept tearing away at his life and robbing him of life we began thinking of new ways to look at it and how we could make a change that would help him.

The thoughts of him feeling that lost and scared used to haunt me, I lost so much sleep wondering if he was ok and wishing there was just something I could do.

One day as we sat outside, not saying much, he turned and looked at me and said “TC, when life gets out of hand I do drugs, It’s just how I am.”

I was mad, I was hurt and I wanted so badly to shake him, but instead I remember reaching down and grabbing his hand and begging him to let me in, let me into his darkness and somehow, some way help him see the light and a way out.

We decided that day that when he felt he was spiraling out of control and unable to resist his urge to turn to the learned behavior of using drugs to cope, that we would try my way just once, and see what happened.

He promised me that the next time he felt those urges hit, that he would simply call me. I had no clue where we would go from there but I did get him to agree to a change.

Sure as the world, 3 am and my phone rang on a Friday night. It was him, he was in tears and all he could say was “Help me TC.” I quickly shook myself awake in the dark and sat up in bed, clutching the phone like I was holding his life in my hands. We ended up talking for two hours. We didn't speak about his addiction, we talked about life, fishing, and how badly I used to cook rice. He finally said, I think I can sleep now, and both of us fell asleep with a new sense of peace.

Many more nights my phone rang, sometimes he had already taken the plunge and used, but he still called, he was changing slowly, he was letting someone into his personal hell and reaching out for help.

It took a while for him to realize that he could break the chain of handling it all alone and that there are people in this world who love you enough to help you, even when you are not your best.

Now I am proud to say, he is recovering and doing well. He still calls, and we still talk about the same goofy stuff, but I think the underlying fact is that he is calling to reassure himself that I am still there, my hand extended and willing to help him face his changes and willing to do whatever it takes to see him through.

In order to change, you must want to, you have to want it more than anything in the world, it could possibly take losing everything you have, every possession, every hope and every dream, but if you know there is one person there who will challenge your “That’s just how I am” attitude then it is worth stepping out of what you know and sticking your hand out and seeing what else might be there instead of what you already know and it’s self-destructive outcome.

I am not saying we all have a drug addiction, but we all have something we are fearful of breaking away from and trying a new way of handling it. If you have one person who believes in you, well my friends you have an advantage already.

Change isn’t bad, bad is when you continue and refuse to see that change can sometimes bring about the most treasured and beautiful things that you would have missed if you had not been willing to try.

My Luke, when he was small loved his bubble baths, but if you dare mention a shower, he would cry. He didn’t like the idea of trying it and for a while I let it slide. Finally one day, I sat him down and said “Just try it one time for me.” I had to agree to stand at the bathroom door with my hand firmly grasping the doorknob to the bathroom. I stood there, unable to see my little boy, tears flowing because I knew he was terrified, I never questioned why, it didn't matter, but he made a huge step and decided to try.

I listened to every sound, and after about five minutes the water was off and I heard him calling me, “Mommy, are you still there?”  “Yes, Luke, I am right here baby.”

It took a few times of me standing holding the door, just in case he needed me, but he knew I was right there, waiting, just in case. I knew he could do it.

Now he is 13 and I think he showers more than anyone I have ever met, he is either getting ready to take one or just getting out it seems likes.

What if he had not challenged himself? What if he had let his fear control him, what if he only took bubble baths because well “That’s just how he is”. He would have missed out on something he loves, and he knows know too, that no matter what, I am always nearby, his challenges will get bigger as he ages but he is assured that he won’t be alone.

It takes just one time to try a new way, why not start today? You could be missing out on such a beautiful outcome and embarking on wonderful things you have never tried.

 Break the chain, break the chains of the past that bind you.

I leave you with these quotes.

~Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.~James Baldwin

~We cannot become what we need to be, remaining what we are.~Max  De Pree

Here are my thoughts.

©

Teresa