Here I am, unsure
of where I am going with my words. However, I made a promise, and I do like to keep
those. Every single day, my friend Renee has called or sent a text, and last
night, as I was feeling unsure and pretty wiped out, she sent a text. As we exchanged messages, she said one last
thing: she told me to write. It had not occurred to me with all that has been going on
in my life over the course of the last couple of weeks, but something clicked. She gave me the nudge that I have needed to release
my fears, anger, sadness, and my hope. She knows me well enough to know that if
I can find some way to write, that I will set free many of the emotions that
are overwhelming me currently.
I will start with a few details of what happened, and then follow
it up with where I am right now.
On February 28th, I was starting to cook breakfast when the
phone rang. Thinking nothing of it, and not bothering to throw on my glasses to
see who was calling so early, I said “Hello?”
My entire world began crashing around me, and there was
nothing I could do to stop the actions that were already set in motion.
My husband and son had been in a horrific accident. I cried out, I sobbed, I shook, and I felt the
familiar arms of my oldest son around me, and then the arms of his fiancé.
“Not again, don’t take anyone else!" I pleaded to the sky.
I wanted to run, and I wanted to hide. I wanted to open my eyes, gasping for air, and realize that I had just had a gut-wrenching nightmare, but
instead, I was given only a handful of details. In what seemed liked hours, I had
to compose myself. I was teetering off the ledge, and what
could I do to stop it?
My husband was airlifted to a hospital in another county, my
son taken to the hospital in our town.
How could I hold it together? My mind went instantly to my
Mama, the day I lost her, and I felt that same surge of sickening bile rise in
my throat. How could I survive another loss? How would I live? Why would I want
to? Somewhere deep within myself, I felt a flow of energy, an awe-inspiring
power. I knew this feeling. It was strength- just a shred, but it was there nonetheless.
Fast forward: my husband was in critical condition, with
many broken bones and a grim outlook. My son was also injured, and scared.
Needless to say, it has been a tough beginning to my favorite
month of the year.
I have cried out so many times to my Mom, hoping that God
would relay the message, and tell her that this grown woman needed her Mommy.
Many times I felt her; I could close my eyes and recall what
she would tell me at a time like this. It felt so wonderful to remember, and it felt as
though she were holding my hand, just as she would be if she were here.
Many times through this tragedy, I have felt so hopeless and
alone, even when everyone said I was "never alone". I still felt so afraid, but then, this morning, I got my reassurance.
I walked outside, and I saw it.
The last spring my Mom was alive, she loved nothing more than
for me to take her outside to sit in the swing with our coffee, and though we
exchanged few words, I knew the language all too well.
I glanced to my right, and I saw it. I instantly began to
sob. There it was: my sign, my hope. Right beside the swing was Mom’s favorite
bush. I am not certain of its official name, but she always called the plant “The First
Breath of Spring.” She would always say it was a sign of better days, that
the long, cold winter was withering, and that new life, new hope, and sunny days were to come.
I cried as I smelled the delicate blooms. I inhaled that
smell, and tried to breathe it in down into my soul. For the first time since their accident, I felt that
everything would be OK. Yes, my husband is still in the hospital with a long
road to recovery, and my son is still in pain, but those beautiful yellow and
white blooms consumed me and reminded me that sunny days were on their
way. My tears fell, and I felt my fears washing away. I needed to let myself cry, so I just stood there,
raining down on this gentle bush and giving thanks for all that I have been
given.
I have so many things to tell you that I have learned though
this, but I will save those for later. The most important thing I must impress
upon you is this: Your life can change in a split second, without any warning, and without preparation. With a change can follow chaos and unrest, and you are left not
knowing what the next minute might bring.
I urge you all to live right now.
If you have hard feelings towards someone, fix them.
If you have regret, do your best to make it right.
Let that grudge go.
And most importantly, if you love someone, tell them right now, and don't worry if they reject it. Do it for yourself, because you may not be given the chance to say it again.
That “First Breath of Spring” did more than just give off a pleasant scent: it reminded me of hope, faith and love.
Here are my thoughts.
©
Teresa
