At our moment of
birth we enter this world with a clean heart, a pure spirit and an untarnished
perspective of the world. Everything we encounter is new, an awe struck wonder.
As we grow and learn we begin to form opinions, likes,
dislikes and over the course of time we begin to form into who we are. The
internal growing never stops, and that to me is such a gift. We mature, we
watch and we digest the ways and workings of this world.
I remember when I was a little girl, I used to try on Mom’s
high heels and clack them all over the floor, my tiny toes shoved all the way
to the tip, wobbling with every step and I used to beg her to tell me when they
would fit me. She always would smile and tell that it wouldn’t be long and I
would be a grown up just like her and I could clack those shoes all I wanted
to.
I do believe I outgrew her petite feet by age 10 and was
blessed with rather large clodhoppers, but even so, I still remember slipping
into heels and always remembering the giggles and falls of trying to balance
the once little me into those shoes of hers.
Along the path of life we are dealt some pretty gruesome happenings
and occurrences, we are also tested, challenged, and given days of unrelenting joy
and happiness. People walk, stumble or fall into our lives and some stay and
some go, but they all have something in common, they become woven into the
fabric of our soul, our heart and that fabric is ever changing, the hues of
happiness shine, the dark colors are steadfast and the brilliant tones of our beginning
existence still blaze with radiance.
I have done so much thinking lately, I have been taking into
thought about some things people have said to me, about me and taken notice as
to where they are in my life now. Some have performed actions that they will
never know how deeply they cut and I will never name them but it happens. Are
they a color in my fabric or did they become faded?
The words have become a source for some much needed digging,
no not of the vegetable planting kind, but some really deep holes that needed
to be cleared out and looked into.
The resounding statement that keeps playing in my mind and I
hear so often is “You’ve changed.”
Some mean it in a good way, some in a rather negative way I
feel from the context in which it was said but what takes me to the core of my
center is when I hear with disappointment that I have changed.
I will clear it up right here, I have changed.
I have changed.
I HAVE changed.
I have been beaten, broken down, scarred, hurt, put down, judged,
criticized, scolded, shamed, left, and I have been happy, a silly heart, funny,
joyful, proud, carefree, delightful and genuinely just content.
All of the mentioned will change you. It is how you take
those things in and process them as to what your results will be.
I am human; I can be bitter, hateful, ugly, and isolated. But,
deep down inside is still that silly hearted little girl who snorts when she
laughs, who dances without care and worries about people beyond my own self.
I feel that those who have judged me, criticized me, scolded
me or perhaps looked down upon me when I was in a phase of not so pretty have
their own issues to deal with. Perhaps they are the bitter ones, not seeing the
good in people or believing in them.
I have been knocked down so many times, and I don’t seek
pity, in fact I hate sympathy, I can do this, I can manage, but remember I am
still me, yes I have changed, but in order for the butterfly to ever become
full of its beauty it must first be a caterpillar, and those are far less attractive
at times. I have been in my own personal cocoon for a phase of time but as the
binding begins to fall away, I can catch a glimpse of what awaits me, and I
like it.
I HAVE changed.
I can never go back, nor should I ever try, I should just
keep a steady pace of moving on in a forward motion, and I will stumble, trip
over something but it won’t stop me.
I have changed.
Did you ever stop to think of why someone had changed, did
you assist in that change? Did you extend your hand down to offer aid, did you
pass on by and just spit harmful words, did you glance in that direction and assume,
did you stand there and wait, knowing that this strong willed woman will
eventually get up and when she does she will be a woman like she never was
before.
I have changed.
I have lost, I have won, I overcome things everyday, and we
all do.
I may not be back up to my fighting stance just yet, but I
am close, and when I do, here I come. I will remember those who waited, who had
faith in me and those that spit on me, and for those people, I wish you a
farewell and a gesture of something not so nice. I will keep getting up, and up
and up and the day will come when I am victorious and I will show those who
didn’t see the light in my eyes, who never took the time to understand, that
passed judgment, I will flutter by your head as the newly birthed butterfly and
keep on flying, only landing upon those who waited, who just knew and stood by
me without budging.
I have changed.
I HAVE changed.
My point today, life is nasty, unfair and ugly at times, but
don’t let that define you, rise above it, know deep down in your guts who you
are, and show them what ya got! Keep getting back up, and eventually you will
soar, you have to keep trying, and if you don’t, you will one day look in the
mirror, standing in the world alone, and the reflection that is cast back to
you is that of a bitter, arrogant ass that found it much easier to be better
than others instead of getting down on your knees and humbling yourself unto
the world in order to survive and you will have no understanding of what life
or real hard living is. I feel sorry for those. I am grateful for the struggle
sometimes, it makes me get up even stronger and I feel the burn, but by God I
get up, maybe not to the liking of others, but who cares. I will keep getting
up.
I have changed.
Here are my thoughts.
©
Teresa ;)
