I saw her today. I
saw Mama today.
While cleaning, our old VHS tapes emerged, and Seth, Luke
and I hurried to find the VCR and view them as fast as we could.
There she was. I couldn't speak. I glanced to my children, and
both of them were just as awestruck at the very sight of her.
Nothing could be heard in the room except that beautiful
laugh of hers, that perfectly timed wit, and some soft sobs among us.
We were entranced by it. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.
She was so incredible: that carefree attitude, her genuine smile and that look,
the way she looked at me. I could feel her. I think I had forgotten how that
look made me feel. It was like no other. She adored me, and when she looked at
me, you could see a sparkle in her soft blue eyes.
After the videos were over, we sat once again, just the
three of us, weeping. I felt like we were renewed in a sense. I know I felt it.
We had not watched those tapes since 2011, as we thought
they were lost. Maybe it was perfect timing to find them almost four years
later.
I wandered outside to let more tears flow, and as I looked
around, I realized I saw more than I had ever imagined I would beforehand.
I saw myself. I have been looking for me for quite some time;
I would honestly say since she departed.
It has been a rather unusual day, beginning with a phone
call from a much-loved friend, and her topic was my Mom.
She reminded me of some things I needed to remember, and I
can’t thank her enough for taking the time to call and tell me what she felt.
It made me start thinking. It made me look deep inside,
really deep-- like way-down-to-the-guts type of reflection, and, looking back,
I was struck by how much I see her in myself.
I am not sure when it happened. I suppose it has always been
there, but for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could look and see
what I had been desperate to see: me.
I saw the strength Mom said I always possessed, I saw the
stubborn streak that she carried as well, I saw a survivor, and I saw the woman
she said I was: her pretty girl.
I didn't think I was ever going to find that again, but
seeing that video, knowing I was holding the camera, and she was looking right
at me, I saw it. I found it, and I weep as I type. I feel like for the first
time in many years I know who I am, and I am not lost as I previously thought.
I am not weak, I am not faint of heart, and I am not some ugly monstrosity that
needs to be kept under the stairs, as to not frighten the company.
I also realized how true her words were about life.
She said it was way too short, and for that reason, we are
to love, we are to be bold, be brave, and most importantly, we are to live in
the now. Forget the past, dream some crazy dreams, and then go after them. Smile
no matter what, and most of all, be perfectly content with who you are. Love
those that hold your heart, and don’t let a moment pass without letting them
know it. Never hold a grudge, unless, of course, that the said person insulted
your biscuit-making ability or they do not want your forgiveness and love.
In other words, don’t waste your precious time on people who
don’t want you, don’t need you, or push you into a corner to be forgotten. Love
them from afar, forget their issues, and move on. Live, laugh, love, and by God,
laugh some more.
I saw my Mama today, and it was a soul cleansing, for sure. It
was almost like a good old-fashioned revival, and I am just before screaming “amen”!
I had hoped and prayed that I would reach this point in my life, and I had
settled to the fact that maybe it would never come, and I would never find the
pretty girl she loved more than her own life.
My point is, never let anything snuff out your light. Keep
on shining, and be true to you. Don’t change to suit others, just be you.
My journey has been unreal, at times feeling unbearable, but
after today, I see my Mama is within me and she is cheering just as loud for me
now as she ever was.
It time for me once again to shine. I have wasted far too
many days, months, and years, and now it is time for me to LIVE, and laugh my
guts out along the way.
Love, laugh, live, and by God, laugh some more.
Here are my thoughts.
©
Teresa ;)
