This will most
likely be the rawest and real writing I have done in some time. I am about to
dump my guts out before you. This has been a long time coming, but because of
time and new adjustments in my life, it is now that I am able to write this.
I want to give you some back story before I present to you
my point.
Quite a few years ago, I took my family to a wrestling show.
My Mama loved wrestling, believe it or not, and she and my Dad took me from an
early age to many shows in our area. She wanted my kids to experience the thrill
that I had as a child.
I remember that night so clearly; I had just gotten off work
and hurried home to round up Mom and the boys. There was no time for me to change
clothes, so I had to attend in my dressy clothes, and as I stuffed supper in my
mouth, we hurried out the door so we wouldn’t be late.
We all had a blast, and as the show reached intermission, we
were all smiles.
Mom took the kids to get some cokes, and I stood with the
man who ran the center that held the event. He was an old family friend, and I
had known him since I was a little one.
As we stood recalling old times and having a laugh, he looked in past me
and said, “Oh, I have someone for you to meet.” I quickly smoothed down my hair
and put on a smile.
As I turned, he was beginning to introduce the big guy approaching
me. “Hey, Bobby Savage, I want you to meet Teresa Hardister.” I turned, and I
had to look up, despite the wearing of my big girl shoes, and as I flashed my
best smile and an impromptu flipping of my hair, this guy kept walking, only
giving me a smug look and then heading behind the curtain.
Wow! Who was this guy? How rude! Who snubs me like that? I was
as ill as a mean old hornet.
I went back to my seat pretty ticked off at this guy, and
when my Mom asked what was wrong, I gave her a vague run down. She laughed and
winked. Since when did she tolerate rudeness anyway?
It bothered me all night, “How dare him? Really?” I decided
to sit down at my computer and ask a friend who was also wrestling that night
about this pompous dude that had snubbed me. He gave me a link to his social
media page, which at that time was all the rage. I quickly pulled him up on the
screen and commenced to sending him a snippy little note. I was trying not to
look at his profile picture, but I stopped and looked anyway. He caught my eye,
he was different, and, dang it, he was cute. I was now becoming mad at myself.
Not long after I hit ‘send’, I received a message back. We
began talking, and we ended up becoming good friends. He wasn't my type, but he
made me smile, he was brutally honest and upfront, and as time passed, I picked
up on a sensitive side that I was beginning to really like. This guy had appeared in my world and at first
glance, our first encounter he was bigger than life. He had real charisma and
he was so grand in my eyes. I would chuckle when we would call me, and when I
said hello, he always said the same thing, “Hey, whaddaya doing?”
We began dating, and that commanding presence was so great,
not only did he tower over me in stature, but he just seemed so larger than
life. I couldn't get past that.
On December 16, 2011, I married that man. Still so big and
strong, we started our new life together. It didn't matter if he had just left the
house two minutes prior and needed to call me, he would call and say, “Hey whaddaya doing?” It always
generated a smile, and me giving him a smart mouth comeback.
It was our thing.
Our lives had many ups and downs, but never anything we couldn't recover from.
February 28th had been a tough day for me. It was
the day my Mom was in wreck, a wreck that later led to her death.
On Feb. 28th of this year, my husband and son
ventured out for a normal Saturday morning ritual, me at home cooking breakfast
waiting for them to return.
When I heard the phone ring, I didn't bother looking at the
caller ID; I knew this call all too well. I almost laughed as I answered, and I
waited for the familiar greeting and the excuse as to why they were running
late, but instead, I felt my stomach turn. I screamed, I cried out in a
desperate plea, “DEAR GOD, NO! HELP ME!” I felt my body go to jell-o as if I
were going to deteriorate down to the floor. My worst fear was now playing out,
and I could do nothing to intervene. The voice on the line informed me that my
son and husband had been in a head-on collision an hour prior. After finding
out where my son was, I begged and pleaded with this woman on the line to tell
me where my husband was. She fell silent, and I then felt the vomit rise to my
mouth, chills covered my body and I knew I was about to completely lose it.
Thank goodness my oldest son was now standing beside me,
holding me up. I was switched from dispatcher to this person of authority and
finally I got a law enforcement officer on the phone. I pleaded with him to
tell me the truth, no matter how sick and devastating it was. My husband had
been airlifted to a hospital a few counties over. He could tell me nothing of
his condition. My only comfort was that he said they would not fly him unless
he was alive. That didn't give me much to go on, but from what I was learning
about this accident, that in itself was a miracle.
I felt my heart being pulled apart, and for the first time
in my life I felt like I might not survive the horror that was unfolding before
me.
Finding that my son was safe gave me hope, he was hurt but
he was still here. The chaos was overwhelming, my thoughts were about to drive
me insane, I clung to the fact that the officer said he as alive when he last
saw them rush my husband to the helicopter. I had to believe he was alive,
maybe it was a nightmare and I would wake screaming, and the only worry of my
day would be to make biscuits for breakfast or not. Sadly it was happening and
far too fast. I couldn’t manage all the calls, so my son again stood up as the
amazing man that he is and handled things. I feel such pride when I look back
and think of how well he handled me and also how pulled together he was through
my madness. Every time I felt as if I couldn't take another tidbit of horrific
information, he would hold me close, and tell me it would all be ok. I don’t
know how he did it, but he calmed me enough to manage.
I waited for the state trooper to meet with me, and I shook,
not from the cold but from the chilling details I was so afraid of hearing. Was
I to lose another person on this day? I paced, I cried, I cried out for my
Mama, she always made it all better. I felt so alone, and so cold. As the
officer came towards me he could see my terror, I am sure he had seen it a few hundred times before in his career but he
never let on. He was so kind, so
patient. He told me the gory details of what had taken place. I sobbed and he I
saw him tear up. He assured me that my
husband was in the best care he could receive, my son was safe, and so I needed
to feel that my husband would be as well. I felt the rage boil into my being as
I was told what had taken place. And then, the officer prayed with me, I was
dumbfounded. I was in awe. I felt a brief moment of peace, and I pulled myself
together enough to attend to things that only I could handle.
I remember standing out in the bitterness of this winter
day, feeling as if I were about to die, I was getting nowhere, I couldn’t find
out anything and I knew what a sick, twisted mess my husband had been pulled
from, I was losing hope again, and
quickly at that.
I looked at my phone, I didn’t recognize the number, was it
the devastating news I was about to run from, I couldn't take it, I wanted to
take off, running until the cold froze my lungs and I collapsed. I was numb and
unaware of what was happening.
Oh yes, my phone was ringing, I managed to give a breathless
hello... and what I heard next will stay in my heart and mind for as long as I
live.
I heard silence at first, so I gave a slightly louder hello.
“Hey.” What? No way! Did I just hear that or had I finally
gone off the deep end and I was in some dream world that I would live out my delusions
in?
I heard it again, “Hey, whaddaya doing?”
I didn't recognize the voice that my ear was hearing but my
heart knew it well, I started screaming crying, how was this possible? He could
barely speak, but on the other end of the phone was my husband, and I couldn't think of a thing to say. He was broken, he was not himself, and I could tell,
he was so gone, but he managed to say, “I remembered the number.” I began
crying in sobs, and of course, he tried as best he could to reassure me. I was feeling
light headed, he was alive! He was right there on the phone. He was also very
close to being dead and I wouldn't know this until later, but he managed to be
that strong, stubborn man I had always known and he had worried about me and
about my son, not what he was about to face- which was the unknown, possibly
meeting his maker or giving the fight of his life to regain some sense of
living.
Here we are now, he survived an intense stay in ICU, brutal therapy
and he is home.
What are our lives now? My husband is in a wheelchair, he
can no longer tower above me, and lean now to hug me and comfort me, he has
given up his pride, he has seen much darkness, he battles sickening nightmares,
he screams out in pain that I can’t even begin to imagine. Every single day is
a struggle. He likes to joke around and pretend he is ok, but I see it in his
eyes. I see the pain, I see the heartbreak, I see the rage as he watches
wrestling from a wheelchair, something he loved, seeing his passion but not
from the ring now, from the outside. I see the fear, I see him long to be like
everyone else, I see him struggle, always pretending he isn’t hurting when I
see the tears run down his face. I see a man who although he can’t walk to me,
he still can let his presence be known. I see a man long to go fishing again, a
man who would do anything to hear his entrance music playing and run into the crowd
to face his opponent in the ring, I see man who longs to walk on the beach as
he did growing up, I see a man who didn't die, I see man who is still here.
Why did this happen? Because someone decided they could take
on the world in a motor vehicle while consuming alcohol. Someone’s idiotic judgment
and slush for brains because the alcohol had given him liquid courage decided
the lives of my family didn't matter.
Our lives are forever changed, we can’t function like most,
I am not complaining but we will never be the same. At first I was extremely angry,
but now I am highly determined to win this.
We have a ramp on our house, we have to navigate paths so he
can access them, and we have to use equipment that I never dreamed I would
need, we have long days and sometimes exceptionally long nights. But each time
I see my life now before me, I feel my boost of strength, and I forge through.
I cry more days than not, but that is not weakness that
escapes from my being, that is my will, that is my power over this. I will do
it, and I know in time, we will be better. I refuse to lose this fight. We have
been without, we have seen some very dark times but at the end of the day, we
are still here.
I have learned some valuable things along this journey. I
have learned that the human spirit is greater than we could ever realize until
we are faced with circumstances that are overwhelming.
I have learned that people are still good, and when you
least expect it, they rise up and shine upon your life and give you hope once
again.
I have learned that some people are fair weather friends. You
see, when the sunny girl is shining, people want to feel the warmth, but there
are those who will sit with an umbrella and endure the rain with you until the
sun comes again.
I have learned that waiting on people to change is stupid,
people don’t change, and people don’t always keep their promises. I have seen
my husband sit here; hoping to get a call, just another voice besides mine and
the kids, and it makes me furious that it doesn’t ring. Where are those people
who swore on his sunny days that they would always be there? He isn't asking
for anything, but a phone call could completely bring some much needed joy and
inspiration to his life at a time when he needs it is the most.
I have learned that the solid people in our lives are just
that, they are beyond amazing and I am so humbled by their words of
encouragement and show of kindness, just knowing people care gets up through
many days.
I have learned that I become very angry when I think that
just last week another person was lost to a drunk driver, a young man just beginning
his life was taken, because some loser, a repeat offender, boozed it up and
took the life of a beautiful young man who I had the pleasure of seeing grow
up.
I have learned to not look too far ahead, live day to day,
and now more than ever, revel in the simple pleasures, a hug, a smile, a hand
reaching up to be held from the one person who always reached down to comfort
me.
Most importantly, and this is the blessing we have been
given, our family is now closer than ever, and our faith is so sturdy, we see daily
miracles, and I could write a book about those. Our lives are a testimony, and
I will gladly go into detail if anyone ever feels as if they can’t go on. I
will give you some heavy things to think about and always some unreal
happenings, some involving toilet paper, barbeque plates and a group of people
who make me feel loved. To those who have ignored our pleas to just hear your
voice or get a message back, I feel sorry for you, you don’t understand loving
another and someday you might just be on the other end of that.
I hope you all will give thought before you ever drink and
drive, or if you know someone who does, stop them, don’t be that idiot. Don’t
play God, you will not win.
We are strong, we are weak, we are down, we are hurt, we are
scared, we are broke, but we are all together and we will withstand anything
that comes our way, and the one thing we are not, we are not broken.
Reality happens.
Here are my thoughts.
Teresa
© Copyright
2015
