~Thought For The Day~ I Threw My Bottle Away~ ©

     Tonight while I was showering I began thinking of something and I feel it is finally time to share it with the world. I have told no one. Not one soul. It has been my personal, little secret and after much thought I think I understand the meaning and where to go from here.

Shortly before my Mom passed away, she wanted to go with my cousin shopping. She said she was able, and I couldn't refuse her. I helped her with her hair, carefully watching her face; she seemed so pleased because she felt well enough to venture out on this warm, happy day.

She came back exhausted and so worn out, but that smile was still present. If you ever saw my Mama smile, you will understand that smile, if not then imagine the brightest, most heartwarming and genuine expression a person can exhibit, and when you saw it, you had to smile back, whether you wanted to or not.

I took her bags, and offered to put her to bed, she scoffed at my notion, she was so happy and upbeat, and the tiredness and illness seemed to be somewhere far away, even if just for a few minutes.

She carefully removed some odds and ends from the bags, this and this stuff, and then as always she said, “Tesi, close your eyes and open your hands.” Wow, just typing that makes me cry.

My Mother never had much, she gave everything she ever had to others, and if she didn't have material things, she gave of herself, but I must admit, I loved her surprises.

I felt 5 years old as I held out my hands and waited with joy at what she might have gotten me. Thirty something years old and here I was just giddy, because she knew me so well, and Lord only knows what it might be. It could be a frog statue, a coloring book, things you would never think of; she knew my quirks and always found a way to give me a little something to make me smile.

I felt her slide into my hands.

Bless her heart.

A bottle of vanilla body wash; “Hey Ma, you think I stink?” I chuckled.

“No baby, you have been so busy taking care of me, I thought you might like a favorite scent and a nice, long shower to make you feel better.”

See there, even as she was dying, she was thinking of someone else.

She allowed me to help her into her pajamas and then forced me to grab everything I needed for an extended stay in the shower.

I remember letting the water wash all around me, I wanted to drink it; I felt my cares banish momentarily. I snapped open that bottle and out poured that scent that I love so much, I held it and smelled some more. I smelled so good when I scampered back to her room to check on her.

She was smiling from ear to ear. I leaned over her frail body, and just like when I was a little girl she said “You smell clean!” We both laughed, and before I could say anything else she began brushing my long hair, getting it ready for braiding.

I think for a few minutes I was that little girl, I closed my eyes, and let my other senses be my sight, her hands working behind me, the smell of vanilla all around us and the sound of her telling me something but instead of listening I was inhaling the moment. I was back in time for a brief time and I wanted to treasure every second.

Two months later I found myself standing in her shower, crying my eyes out. She was gone. This time the water stung my skin, and I think I was so numb that I wouldn't have felt it if the burns we that of the third degree. I didn't want to come out, I wanted to wash this away and let it go. I wanted to run to her room, see her there, hop on the bed and let her braid my hair. She was gone.

Ever since that hot July day in 2011 when my Mama left this earth I have been lugging around that bottle of vanilla body wash. For a long while I carried it with barely two drops inside, and I think I breathed those in so it became empty.

I just couldn’t let it go. I tucked in everywhere I went, I remember being up late at night, after the boys had gone to bed, holding that bottle, closing my eyes, running both hands around it, memorizing every plastic piece, holding it to my nose, and trying to breathe some more life out of it.

The last thing she ever gave me. I may sound completely insane, and maybe I am, but that simple bottle gave me comfort. I guess to me, as long as I had it, something she touched, her gift to me, that I had not truly let her go and it gave me some comfort many days when I felt my whole world was over and shattered beyond repair.

When we moved this last time, I threw the bottle away. I finally let it go. Tonight as I stood there in her shower, about to make more changes in my life it dawned on me what I was doing and what I need to do now.

I cried tonight, I let go, not just of the bottle, but I let her go, I let her have the peace she needed so much. She always told me not to cry for her when she was gone; that my crying was for myself because she wasn’t here in physical form.

That bottle of vanilla scented joy represents so many things. I was holding on to something that could never bring her back, and honestly the way the world is, I wouldn't if I could. That bottle may be gone but the scent will linger with me all of my days.

She wouldn't want me to be held back, she always wanted me to soar, and as I embark upon a new endeavor, I won’t be armed with my worn out body wash bottle, I have something greater, I have the scent, the memory and the strength in my wings to set out and do what I promised, to change this world, and ultimately be happy.

I threw my bottle away, but the scent is just as strong now as the day we stood together and smelled it side by side. She never left; her memory, her legacy, her love, and her scent live on in me.

Here are my thoughts.

©

Teresa