Grief, this is a
very tricky topic. It can have such overwhelming results. I want to shed some
light on my perspective and how it has influenced my life.
Most every one of you knows that I lost my precious Mother
in July of 2011.
I never saw it coming, in my mind she was going to get
better, the sun would shine again on us both and our lives would be filled with
more memories together. I was wrong, maybe I had the gut feeling at the
beginning of her illness and I just dismissed it, I am unsure. I do know that
it smacked me in the head, body and heart like a huge building toppling on me,
there was nothing I could do to stop it, I couldn't scream loud enough, I
couldn't cry her back, nothing. It was done. It was torture; it was the most
sickening thing I have ever gone through in my life.
She wasn't just my Mom, she was my best friend, she was my
mentor, she was my role model, she was everything.
Most importantly, I was her everything, I had heard my
entire life how she began living the day I was born, she and my dad had tried
for many years to have a baby, and after countless false alarms, endless bouts of sadness and crying, she found out
she was pregnant with me. She always said she fell in love with me before she
ever saw me and I truly believe it.
I have often written about the way she looked at me, I can't
explain it, it was a gleam, not just of pride but she look upon me as if I was
perfection, and I suppose in those gorgeous blue eyes of hers, I was.
We were inseparable, even in my adulthood, I spent any time
I could with her, doing whatever, we always had such a bond, in friendship,
love, loyalty, and mutual admiration. It was my pillar of strength. No matter
what life threw at me, I could run to Mama, and if she couldn't offer wisdom
and a great solution, she could hand me a pretty mean cup of coffee and conversations
and laughs that made my situation seem meaningless.
When she became sick I insisted on caring for her, I didn't
care what it took, I would be by her side every step of the way, and we stuck
it out, we faced some incredibly revolting moments through her sickness, and as
she laid there and cried, almost feeling shame for her illness, I dried her
eyes as she had mine so many times throughout our lives and assured her that
this was what I wanted. I wanted her to have her pride, which was important to
her and for me as well.
When she passed I became a zombie, and I skated by on
autopilot for a very long time.
I faked a smile, I laughed a false chuckle but it wasn't real. I was
down, and I wasn't sure I could get up from such an intense blow to my entire
world.
Grief happens, but what I think people don't see or tend to
forget is that as you walk away from a funeral, a person, a loss, it doesn’t
just magically stop, and grief is a very dark and scary place. It can pop up in
the strangest places, it can consume you and it doesn’t go away after an allotted
time is met.
I have lost quite a few friends through the grief process, I
never really saw it coming, and that is ok,
I can’t ask people to stay in my life that don’t want to understand, but
I would like for them to understand the woman who stands before you today.
Grief and loss are tragic but I think perhaps the sense of
loneliness that it generates is quite the most frightening.
I felt as though I was standing in this great big world
alone, I felt cold, I felt time had stopped, I felt like my life had ended too.
In time I have seen that those things aren't true, but at the time, and through
this journey, I have learned what real love is, what fighting is all about, and
that no matter what, you can get back up and take a swing at life when it
floors you.
Grief is a very lonely place, and it doesn’t pass, I don't
think it ever really goes away, it becomes manageable, but your heart and soul
still aches, and it completely changes you. In my case it has changed me for
the better, I acknowledge the little things far more often, I treasure time
spent with those that I love, and I try and understand what someone is going
through without walking over them, judging them and leaving them by the
roadside to travel alone.
I called my best friend Teresa many times and said, “T, when
will it stop hurting?” Her reply always the same, “T, it never stops, you just
learn to live with it.”
She is the very essence of what I mean, she has held me
through this, seen me at my worst, at my best, watched me fall, seen me rise,
and through it all she didn't judge, she didn't walk away, she didn't turn her
back to me and dismiss me, she stuck it out.
I am glad to say I am seeing better days, but it has taken
some work, it has taken going through a living hell daily, to be where I am
now.
I am not the same Teresa you once knew, I am different, I am
more in tune with people, with hurt and I am very careful to remind people
every day that I love them, we are not promised tomorrow, so I say I love you
so many times during my day, because if something happens, I want those I love
to know it without a shadow of a doubt.
If you are one of the people who walked away from me as I
stood in the darkness, I am not mad, I am not upset, I still care for you and love
you, but I far tougher than you ever knew and you are missing out on a better
version of Teresa that is to be released soon.
Grief, you don't get it until you have lived it, but you
sure as hell can get up afterwards, you can claw, dig, scrape and fight, and
when you stand back up, you emerge as a person with battle scars, healing each
day but never forgetting.
And as you look back you remember who took the time to be
patient with you, who stood out in the rain with you, who cared enough to
understand when you were feeling nothing but doom and gloom, who loved you when
you thought there was no reason to smile, the people who stuck around.
This week I not only celebrate the birth of my youngest son,
but I also am nearing the anniversary of my twin daughters that passed away 8
years ago. I am sure I will laugh, cry, and look back but I will remember the
lessons my Mother taught me through it all, and make her proud.
Grief is an ugly beast, and if you are going through it,
have been through it or are facing it, dig deep and hold on to anything you can
grab, and when you rise again, look around in the wreckage and see who weathered
that storm with you, then look at yourself, and don't give a damn what people
think of you, because you survived and you do it every single day of your life.
I will miss my Mama every day that I am on this earth but thankfully in her
time here, she taught me so many great things and I will survive, taking each
day, each tear at a time and I will smile and be me.
Grief is a bitch, but ya
know what, you can be an even bigger one. Hold on to your faith, your family
and those friends who surround you and be yourself. It can't rain forever,
brighter days will come, and I do believe those are the words of my good, good
friend Rick who talked me through many late nights and never wavered in the
storm.
©
Here are my thoughts.
Teresa ;)
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