~Thought For The Day~ It Will Not Change~ ©

I wrote this piece one year ago, and I felt the need to share it again. 

 It was this week, one year ago that my Mother and I had a conversation. It wasn't like the many conversations of our past. This one was different. This one held precious content that I will always cherish and one that will guide me through the rest of my days. We had not talked about her illness, not being something she couldn't overcome, we had never entertained that notion. Until this point we still held on to our faith and just knew one day we would look back as we had so many times and count the blessing of making it through another portion of living hard.

I am unsure how we came to speak of this but I can still see her face. Her expression was very strong, very sincere, and she looked at me with those blue eyes and behind them I could detect that she no longer shared the same outcome as before.

I said “Mama, what will I do? Mama, I can't make it without you, Mama, I need you, Mama please be ok.” I said it just like that. She took my hand in hers, and she said “Oh baby, no matter what happens you will go on, but if life were to take you first, I doubt I could.” I knew I was her sparkle, her reason for always trying and never giving up, but she was mine.

She look long and hard at my face, the sun glistening across my hair from her bedroom window. She tried so hard to raise from her bed. She touched my features, almost like she was memorizing them She reminded me of how she said she touched me when I was born and the first time I was laid in her arms. She looked at that moment like the 20 something year old woman who had just had her daughter. Seeing no flaws, tracing every feature, in awe. I looked at her in the very same way. I was in awe as well. Through all her sickness, pain and intense struggle, she maintained her beauty, not just on the outside but her inner beauty was so present.

We stared at each other for quite a while. Smiling, tears flowing, no words. Finally she said “Tesi, this is a win- win situation for me.” Quickly I said “Mama if you leave me I see no win here.” She replied, “Oh baby, if I go, I am at peace, I will be with my Mama and Daddy and I will be going home, if I stay, I will be with you and the boys.”

Oh Mama, I felt so greedy, I wanted her to have the peace she tried so hard to find for so many years, but I also wanted her here with me.

“I will always be with you, that will never change. Even if I pass, that will never change.”

Today that phrase has played in my mind 100 times. I knew it sounded familiar, so I dug deep, it had another meaning, I just needed to find it.

I sat here this evening covered in chills as I opened the works of our favorite poet Sara Teasdale. If I couldn't find my answers in a Conway song, I knew that my solution could be found in poetic form

The first poem on the page jumped out at me, and this time instead of crying tears of sadness, I cried .because I felt her so near me. She always did make me work for the answers and I guess this time was no different. Here lies my answer. 

“It Will Not Change”

It will not change now

 After so many years;

 Life has not broken it

With parting or tears;

Death will not alter it,

It will live on,

In all my songs for you,

When I am gone.

Sarah Teasdale

I am crying now, because this has been a tremendous journey, one that isn't over yet, but today I feel, I feel my Mama, I feel her strength, her will to never give up and the one thing she begged of me, to never change who I am. I needed a reminder.

I have changed in so many ways, ones I think she would be fine with and changes that have bettered me. I have sadly lost friends along this road, but I suppose if they were friends, they would have never exited when I hit my lowest point in life.

I have not changed my way of speaking my mind, my ability to be a lady, and I am still marching to the beat of a different drummer. It is who I am.

I have learned that you can't please everyone, it is impossible, but it is totally possible to please yourself, so I am doing that,living my life, the best way I know how and if people don't like it, well, “It Will Not Change”.

I am me, if you love me, good, I will love you back with all that I am, if you hate me, well you are only hurting yourself.

A year ago this week, Mama taught me once again to be proud of who I am, hold my head high, even when you feel like running away, stand strong.

Here are my thoughts.

 ©

Teresa