I felt compelled
to write this after the sad passing of Robin Williams. I was almost hesitant,
and then I decided, no, don’t hold back, put it out there, because it might
touch one heart, one soul, and make them feel differently. If we stand silent
we can never make a change.
I have been sitting back reading many articles, Facebook
posts, comments, and various other media about Robin’s passing. I have taken it
all in and it makes my heart hurt and it makes me cry.
Depression is no joke. Mental illness is no joke.
I know a good number of people who feel that if you suffer
from any type of mental illness that you are “faking” or you are looking for sympathy.
That couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Mental illness is one of the loneliest places you can reside.
You are trapped within your own thoughts and can’t surface at times.
I have never publicly spoken out on this topic, and I have
recently written a chapter in my new book about it, but I feel it is time to
remove the dark cloth covering myself and come out and speak up.
I am not doing it for attention, I am not doing it for
people to love me, I am doing it in hopes that we won’t lose another beautiful
soul like Robin Williams, and I can make someone feel they aren’t alone.
I have watched the debilitating aftermath of depression, my
Mother suffered for as long as I can remember.
I remember her crying, sobbing at times, and when I would
talk to her; she couldn’t tell me what was wrong. I didn’t understand as a
child, I thought it was life, or money; something had to make her cry. It was
depression. She told me many times that she could be in a room full of people
with millions of dollars in the bank and she would still feel alone and down.
Money, cars, people, material possessions don’t cure
depression.
Here is where I am stepping out, and I must tell you, my
hands are shaking, my face feels flushed but I am going to write this anyway.
I, Teresa, have bouts of mental illness. There, I said it.
You see, I identify with Robin Williams so very much, as so do
many others. I have always been the class clown, the funny girl, that goof who
always let everyone laugh at them in order to bring smiles to others. I know
that lonely feeling; I know it all too well. When the laughter is quiet, and
the crowd goes home, you are left standing all alone, and with nobody really to
reach for. You feel like the floor will fall out from beneath you and you
wonder if anyone will even notice.
I suffer from severe anxiety issues and PTSD. If you aren’t
familiar with PTSD, it is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My entire adult life
has been given a life sentence of agony as I wrestle this sick beast.
I have seen many things in my life, and been through some
pure hell, and because of it, I am here, with issues, and all the while I never
wanted anyone to know.
I wanted to make people laugh, smile and think I was the village
idiot because it is easier that way and because of the stigma attached with any
form of mental illness.
I am still human, I am still funny, I am still ridiculous at
times, but my insides are broken and it has taken many years for me to figure out
how to put my pieces together and resume living a seemingly normal life.
I have panic attacks, I have some intense nightmares from a
violent rape from many years ago, but, still, I am me. Many of you may look at
me differently from here on out, and I am used to that. I have lost many people
along this road and had many bail on me, and I understand it. Some people just can’t
grasp the concept and think it isn't real.
I promise you that it is very real. Just because you can’t
see a wound doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Those of us who suffer wear our battle
scars and bruises on the inside, and we don’t put them out there for people to
see.
I am writing this to raise awareness and if it means me
coming under fire, then so be it.
We lost an amazing person yesterday because he couldn't carry the weight any longer, he tried, and he tried, and he couldn't do it
anymore.
I think what angers me most is that people think it is
something we can just get over. OK, great, you have a broken leg or a long
standing illness. Just get over it, right? It isn't real? You can't just simply
get over it.
It hurts my heart to know people feel so alone and isolated
that they feel they must exit this world because they have lost so much in
life.
A few months ago I lost a very dear friend, Janay to this
horrible sadness and I feel so hurt and sad for her, her family and all of us
who knew her, because we couldn't stop her, we didn't reach her, and she felt
she had no other way out.
I miss her so much, and I wish I could go back in time to
our last conversations, and remind her of the joy and love she brought to so
many. I don't know if it would have changed her in any way, but she would have
known how I felt.
This is a wake up call, people. I preach this sermon almost
every day. We don't know a person’s inner struggle, we haven’t walked in their
shoes, and we must NOT look down upon another because they aren’t like us, but
instead, without hesitation and reservation, reach down and stay down with them
until you can lift them up and help them rise to the light once again.
Robin Williams was a brilliant man, he touched us all so much,
his laughter, his impromptu lines, his wit, his courage, his amazing ability,
and in the end of his life, this beloved person felt so alone and so isolated
that he felt there was no other way to end his suffering.
Stop judging people, stop being mean, stop pretending you
know it all. Take a stand, take a stand for life, for those who are surrounded
by darkness and just need a hand to hold.
Life is hard, and sometimes we are dealt a tough hand to
play, but if we put all this bull crap aside and learn to love, I mean really
love our fellow human beings; we will see a rise, a rise of hope, a rise of
living among us all.
So there you have my thoughts, my personal information, and
I am willing to put it out there if it makes at least one person feel not so
alone and that someone does understand the struggle.
Be kind, love each other, stop fighting, stop hating,
embrace one another and let love in.
Rest in peace Robin Williams, you will live in our hearts
always and your memory will not be in vain.Fly free at last.
Here are my thoughts.
©
Teresa
No comments:
Post a Comment